My Birth Story

After 36 hours in labour and getting to 9cm. Hearing that a c-section was very much a recommendation broke my heart.

Of course having my beautiful boy now I would not change a thing but that was one of the most heart breaking moments I've ever had to go through.

The Dr's were lovely and did say ultimately it was my decision but the atmosphere in that room you could feel there wasn't much of a choice. After the surgery I asked the Dr if they felt I made the right decision and they said after looking inside it was the best decision as I would have had alot more complications if I had left it any longer.

We was scared I remember looking at Richards face and seeing the panic set in. He tried his hardest to be brave for me but we were broken after being in labour so long.

Now I couldn't tell you all the details on that operating table, I blocked some out, there was a curtain so I couldn't see.

But what I can say is how I felt, and that was SCARED.. Very very scared. After all the drugs I could barely move and kept wanting to fall asleep but I had a huge fear that if I slept I wouldn't wake up. I could feel my eyes rolling and was desperately trying to keep them open.

I could hear the noises in the room, I could feel people inside me but I couldn't feel the pain. It felt like I was play dough and they were pulling and modelling inside.

Then out came Theodore. I just remember looking at Rich and us both bursting into tears that moment will last with me for a lifetime.

They asked if I wanted to see him and held him up over the curtain but I couldn't lift my head I couldn't move. I couldn't hold him. This was not the skin to skin lovely moment I had dreamed of.

They took him away straight away, weighed him and cleaned him up.

I must add at this point i am so greatful for everyone in that room that day, they were amazing surgeons, they made sure rich took loads of pictures. But it was all to much and quite frankly very traumatic for me.

While they sewed me up they wheeled Theo next to us but I still couldn't see him so I cried, I cried for the moment i would never have. Even as I write this I have tears in my eyes. I wanted to do this for so long but I couldn't and think I needed this awareness Month to push me to actually write it down as I want to remember. Not for negative reasons but to remember what I had the strength to go through.

When we left the room we was taken to recovery I was so cold from the drugs. I felt like a addict on a come down shaking through my bones I was sooo very cold that they filled the bed full of hot air. I did finally get my chance at this point to also do skin to skin but I was soo scared I would drop him in my state so I asked Rich to take him. There was alot I wanted that I felt I had missed out on, due to the surgery I didnt get that first moment of seeing my son, having the skin to skin straight away that I was yearning for my whole pregancy. I also didnt get to see my placenta for some weird reason I was desperate to see it and have a picture of it after watching so many videos on placenta.

And then I started the long road to recovery. I am not saying natural birth is any easier I have nothing else to compare to. However those 6 weeks after was the most hardest thing I've ever done!

I could barely walk, move I couldn't even shower properly and without Rich god knows what I would have done. To hear your baby cry and barely be able to move to pick them up is the most helpless feeling I've had.

But my recovery is another story for another day.

I am still undecided if we will have any more. If we do I am torn on what we will do but I will forever be greatful to the surgeons for delivering my beautiful boy